when... have i had enough

o today i decided to check my computers history...in the last week my partner..to remain nameless..has been on at least twenty different hard core porn sites..involving oral sex with gagging choking hitting..and many other variety's...ok sure i suppose it healthy to explore the web..its not hurting anything, right? so then i look further down the smut list and see a facebook login ..with a different email..with the partners name in it..ok wait it gets better..then and then i loose it..i seea whole page of  craigs lists searches for couples..group sex..a whole page of different searches involving the same theme..what the hell! so i waited for him to get home..i didnt start in untell a while later when he made a smart ass comment regarding a new years plans...he denied having a secret facebook..he owned up to his porn..he denied the craigslist being his..and said  it was one of hid friends that comes over and hangs out...when have i had enough?

our parents mistakes

How do we break the cycle of our parents mistakes...for me this hits home in the relationship area..as my mother..well was not a good example of anything as a girl.  i try to break the cycle by remembering my actions are not my own...every action causes a reaction...this goes for things involving human nature..and physics..bottom line ..i am no longer acting on impluse for fear of what my actions could bring my son.

Exploration of outcomes

These days the balance of power is shifting our house, its long needed.  This shift is making me think about options, options regarding my long term future.  My future is not "mine" as every action i make causes a reaction to my son. With the reaction of my action driving my being..it takes me alot of exploration of outcomes before i complete an action that cannot be undone.

seasons change

As the season changes.. and more and more activites are moving inside, i am finding it difficult to reflect on my thoughts to allow me to blog.. so i may be hurried, jumbled and well short for a while.  But i do love you.

if you dont like your situation...change it

since becoming a mother i have found myself in a situation that i have not been in before...i have to rely on my sons father..or as i have referred to him in the past "partner"...i am not use to relying  on a man.  My partner tells me if i dont like how he does things...i can leave..comforting..that pretty much tells me could care less about me...so i have been working on changing my situation...my "partner" use to make me feel like shit by going out to the bars every weekend doing god know what..and most weeknights he would find something to hustle..leaving me home alone with my son..now i am not saying i am going to go out and start doing that..i feel thats destructive behavior..i have taken to improving my fitness with obvious benefits for me. a healthy body, and a healthy mind i hope can help make a healthy home for my son.....i am buying a house..because he always throws it in my face that ..if i say i dont  like something he does..he says i can leave any time...well i am changing my situation, turning the table on him.  i dont think he understands what his words do to me. If you dont like your situation change it.

scent

The scent of another man pursuing me has caused  an awakening in my partner.  I am not sure if its a male instinct of "owning" his female, or if he truly see's me for what I am.  But he sure is starting to see that others do. He even bought me flowers.

teach to love

Can you teach some one to love? I suppose every one loves, but its how they direct thier love. Is it directed to material things, fantasy, other peoples things, ideas, or do they love they way one person peforms thier daily routine? Can you teach some one to love uncondionally, and over look your flaws?

the ring

I got engaded in december of...2005. A lot of life has happened since that commitment was made. we bought a house..we had child, of whom just turned four years old..I changed my career to be to be available for my son....and for him to have a normal childhood. Recently my fiance has informed me he no longer wants to marry...we are still I a commited realtionship..do I still wear the ring he gave me...the engadgement ring?

snoop-ing

I recently felt the need to snoop. I did not think it out or prepare my self for what i may find.  Early on the morning of June 5, I picked up my partners phone ( i say "partner" cause we are engaged with a child and he no longer wants to marry me, yet still engaged for 5 years) ... and decided to log into FB from it and see who he has been chatting with, what kind of pictures he had on there...Well i found out he has been hitting on females and asking them to drinks, or offering them photo shoot jobs(the naked kind)...from what i can tell the females ignored him, as they have not responded to his message. I am not ruling out that they may have called him however.  What i am i suppose to do, act like i dont know?  Well i cant admit i snooped.. so i cried.. i gave dirty looks for about a week.  then i confronted him (of course not telling him how i found out) I quoted him word for word.. and he denied it.. So I friended these females on FB .. the first one took about two weeks to accept, so I am pretty sure she told him i sent her a friend request.. the other accepted right away.  I am left with these questions, can i trust him when he goes out to the bars almost every weekend?  trust, respect and passion are the back bone of a good realtionship...

Italian RUDE ness

I being a proud vespa owner, I recently "liked" a small frame vespa face book page, and I posted a picture of my 1980 vespa 50 special.. shortly after i started receiving insults in Italian and part English about my scooter and its authenticity. I have checked the mother f'n Vin numbers I know it is real. So i tried deleting their rude comments.. they kept making them.  I decided not to defend but rather object by deleting my post and removing their objective. I feel like they were targeting me because I am American, so i decided i didn't want to be apart of there small mindedness.  F- them!

electricity

Some times when two people of opposite sex meet, there is instant ELECTRICITY.   I have recently encountered this, normally this would be exciting and satisfying to our animal instinct's when we are single. How ever, I am not single and this instant attraction was overwhelming and hard to ignore. Neither person said anything, nor did anything but try to fight it. Over time, my guard to this person wore down, he was so familiar, and welcome. I could not ignore the electricity between us.

first time

I would like to start be telling you what to expect.

I will use this blog to say what i want to say, when i want to, and when i cant say it out LOUD.