actions speak louder than words

the photo you see on my blog is near to my heart because of the land it lies on..near the new addition.. it was on exhibit at neslon atkins museum.. a place that while i was 8 months pregnant with my..i attended the grand opening ceremony the architect Steven Hall touch my belly and said to my son.. this addition was built for you.

a new year

This year i am taking a green approach to my resolution; I want to reinvent this year, as many things in my life as i can.

when... have i had enough

o today i decided to check my computers history...in the last week my partner..to remain nameless..has been on at least twenty different hard core porn sites..involving oral sex with gagging choking hitting..and many other variety's...ok sure i suppose it healthy to explore the web..its not hurting anything, right? so then i look further down the smut list and see a facebook login ..with a different email..with the partners name in it..ok wait it gets better..then and then i loose it..i seea whole page of  craigs lists searches for couples..group sex..a whole page of different searches involving the same theme..what the hell! so i waited for him to get home..i didnt start in untell a while later when he made a smart ass comment regarding a new years plans...he denied having a secret facebook..he owned up to his porn..he denied the craigslist being his..and said  it was one of hid friends that comes over and hangs out...when have i had enough?

our parents mistakes

How do we break the cycle of our parents mistakes...for me this hits home in the relationship area..as my mother..well was not a good example of anything as a girl.  i try to break the cycle by remembering my actions are not my own...every action causes a reaction...this goes for things involving human nature..and physics..bottom line ..i am no longer acting on impluse for fear of what my actions could bring my son.

Exploration of outcomes

These days the balance of power is shifting our house, its long needed.  This shift is making me think about options, options regarding my long term future.  My future is not "mine" as every action i make causes a reaction to my son. With the reaction of my action driving my being..it takes me alot of exploration of outcomes before i complete an action that cannot be undone.

seasons change

As the season changes.. and more and more activites are moving inside, i am finding it difficult to reflect on my thoughts to allow me to blog.. so i may be hurried, jumbled and well short for a while.  But i do love you.

if you dont like your situation...change it

since becoming a mother i have found myself in a situation that i have not been in before...i have to rely on my sons father..or as i have referred to him in the past "partner"...i am not use to relying  on a man.  My partner tells me if i dont like how he does things...i can leave..comforting..that pretty much tells me could care less about me...so i have been working on changing my situation...my "partner" use to make me feel like shit by going out to the bars every weekend doing god know what..and most weeknights he would find something to hustle..leaving me home alone with my son..now i am not saying i am going to go out and start doing that..i feel thats destructive behavior..i have taken to improving my fitness with obvious benefits for me. a healthy body, and a healthy mind i hope can help make a healthy home for my son.....i am buying a house..because he always throws it in my face that ..if i say i dont  like something he does..he says i can leave any time...well i am changing my situation, turning the table on him.  i dont think he understands what his words do to me. If you dont like your situation change it.